A Genuine Under The Counter Trade
by Manchester
Summary: Andrew Wells was in the middle of reading about a fifteenth-century Slayer when he got interrupted by somebody with one really zany sense of humor.


Disclaimer: I own nothing. All Buffy the Vampire Slayer characters and The Simpson characters are the property of their rightful owners. Any real-life persons in this story were only mentioned in passing and don't improperly behave in the described manner which could possibly cause offense (except for two specific females who really did what they pleased.)

* * *

"Nice office."

"Eeeeeee!"

"Hiya, Andrew."

"What are you doing here, Jeff?! No, shut up and let me lock the door!"

"Hey, you don't have— Look out!"

 _Crash!_

"Ow, ow, ow!"

"Don't step on—"

 _Crunch!_

"Aaaaaahhhh!"

"Will you just listen—"

 _Wham!_

"Unnngggg."

"Are you all done now? Nah, hold it, you might want to slam your desk drawer on your fingers a couple times, just to finish things off."

"That's not funny!"

"Heh-heh-heh. Oh, yes, it was."

"Asshole. Anyway, what the hell are you thinking, showing up without the slightest warning when someone besides me might've been here? If Willow ever finds about us, we're both done for! I don't know about you, but I'd really rather skip visiting Antarctica in my underwear and nothing else!"

"Like I _tried_ mentioning, the portal scans told me nobody except you were around in this part of the castle. In fact, reading them they say you haven't any company dropping in at all for the last…three weeks? What's up with that?"

"…mumble…"

"Huh?"

"It was only some new Slayer getting sidetracked on her first castle tour and looking for the bathroom then, all right?"

"Fine, whatever. I've told you enough times that no matter how much magic the Red Witch has, she's not gonna learn about our souvenir trading."

"I'll be sure to remind you of those exact words when we're both growing icicles from our eyebrows."

"Will you please relax? Why don't we get down to the whole reason I called today?"

"Which is…?"

"Before we get to that part, I want to confirm something first. Judging by what I can see, you've done pretty well from our last deal, the old Council's records I swiped from another dimension for your computer files having to do with your old supervillain team taping the Scooby Gang in action."

"Yup, Mr. Giles and the rest were actually impressed. Got my own office, too, and the big job that came with it, going through all of those records for important stuff no matter how long it takes. The others, once they heard it might be years of work to check everything, they decided I was the best guy to do it with absolutely no interruptions from anyone. I guess the New Council's senior membership passed the word on to everybody about that, and it's working. So far, I haven't been bothered except for that lost Slayer, like I said."

"Uh-huh. By the way, were you given…oh, I don't know…some kind of budget for this assignment?"

"Of course I was. Xander pointed out at the end of our meeting that I might need the provided funds for when it was essential. They seemed to be in a real hurry to leave, so to save time instead of bothering the senior staff for money when they were busy with the usual apocalypses, the Scoobies signed off on it right away and I got the cash in advance. Haven't had to use it yet, though."

"Good. How do you feel about blowing the whole thing on one really rare collector's item set I just finished putting together?"

"Are you crazy? That'd be betraying the sacred trust I was given by humanity's protectors from the numberless vile supernatural menaces who lurk in darkness and plot our very doom!"

"Did I say rare? On second thought, let's call it absolutely _unique_."

"…what are we talking about?"

"That's my boy. Tah-dah! Feast your eyes on this!"

"It's a box."

"Can't get anything past ya, Andrew."

"It's an ordinary cardboard box! What's so unusual about that?"

"Oh, I just thought I'd present these incredible offerings in their traditional container. You know, what's shoved under a million teenage guys' beds."

"Excuse me?"

"Just open it up, already."

"Okay, okay. We have in there…a stack of _Playboy_ magazines."

"And…?"

"And what? The top one, it's not even the first issue with Marilyn Monroe, which would be worth serious bucks!"

"Look closer. Recognize anybody on the cover?"

"Who, the blonde? Why should I? She isn't anyone I know from the movies or television— WHAT THE HELL?!"

"Ah, the light dawns."

"Is that Harmony Kendall? But…she looks older, and that's impossible! Vampires don't age, especially when Harmony got turned at graduation!"

"Anything else?"

"'Angel's Mercedes McNab – Wickedly Naked.' Huh? Did she change her name? Wait…the cover says 2006? That can't be right!"

"Oh, yes, it can."

"How? I mean, those nude pictures, they have her in full sunlight and she's not burning up in spite of wearing nothing but that girdle. Or that one, with her completely undressed…"

"You're drooling, kid."

"I am not! Eh…right."

"If you've quite finished, take a gander at the next issue under that."

"Oh…my…god."

"Amazing, huh?"

"''Naked Charisma - The _Angel_ star spreads her wings…and her clothes.' I don't believe this— Xander got up close and personal in the Sunnydale High janitor's closet with those?!"

"And I for one reverentially bow to him for it."

"But this _Playboy's_ dated 2004! According to the Scoobies, she died in a coma back then!"

"Cordelia Chase did. Charisma Carpenter didn't."

"All right, start talking."

"Remember I mentioned that not every dimension has a real-life Scooby Gang? Instead, in some of them, there's a tv show with actors portraying these characters. One specific dimension had the women who appeared in the _Angel_ spin-off pose for that adult magazine when the show ended."

"Oh. So, they just look like their counterparts, but they're not the real Harmony and Cordelia?"

"Does it matter?"

"Guess not. Wait a second, you've got a lot more magazines there in the box. What, did those women pose again?"

"Not for that dimension. However, there are _other_ dimensions when _other_ actresses posed instead of those two…and some of these realities can get pretty weird. Yeah, that one, especially."

"Um…Jeff, this issue, it's blank."

"You're holding one of the oddest ever _Playboys_ , Andrew. It's filled with invisible people, so naturally you can't see the nude pictures of Clea DuVall as Marcie Ross without special glasses also sold with the magazine."

"What about this one? I know her— The Slayer, that is…ah, Violet something. Though, the cover price must be some sort of mistake. I mean, does it really go for twelve parsnips?"

"No mistake. That's another just as strange dimension—"

"Aaaahhhh!"

"What is it now?"

"That's Willow! Buffy! Faith! Dawn! All in their own issues! We're both gonna die!"

"Stop being such a coward, kid. It's not like you're gonna wave them under their noses— Hey!"

"You _bastard_."

"What the hell's the matter with you? Everybody knows better than to mess up mint copies like you just did, throwing them in the box and shoving it hard right at me!"

"That's Anya, dammit! Congratulations, you brought back all the bad memories about her dying in front of me when we fought the Bringers!"

"Oh… I'm really sorry, kid. Never crossed my mind about what you went through."

"Well, you did. Because of that, forget it. I'm not buying anything."

"No, no, no. You can't leave me dangling here without making at least a single lousy sale! You have any idea how much it costs to open this portal? C'mon, make me an offer on the other magazines."

"I said, I don't want any _Playboys_ , and that's that."

"Wait! I know…lemme see…there it is!"

"Another box? Didn't you hear me?"

"Yeah, but this one doesn't have Hef's stuff. Let's say, I got other customers…and she can wait until I find another issue of what she wanted. How's this?"

" _Playgirl?!_ Is that supposed to be me? But I've never looked that good my whole life!"

"According to this dimension, Tom Lenk's their greatest movie star, and that exact issue set publishing records."

"I got in my wallet…a hundred and five bucks."

"Deal."

"So long, Jeff. See you next Thursday."

"Gotcha, Andrew. 'Bye until then."

*Flooooop* went the portal's winking out of existence between the New Council's Scots castle headquarters and Comic Book Guy's shop in Springfield.

* * *

Author's Note: This is a series of stories set in the Buffyverse, consisting of this and two earlier stories also presented here: 'Trade 'Em If You Got 'Em' and 'More Trades, More Negotiations'.


End file.
